chocolate or vanilla

Making choices. Choosing to live my life for me. What the fuck, why is this so hard? Dropping all my excuses and being powerful for me, not for someone else. Behaving as if I am not worthy of the success I found, or even worse settling for less is something I have done a lot in my life. Putting others happiness before my own is a lot easier than taking responsibility for my own happiness, I know this now but knowing doesn’t make it any easier, just fucking harder.

waiting for the snow...

Twenty minutes till I can close down coffee world and make my way home. The impending snow storm has me anxious. This mixes with my sudden availability on a Friday night due to the show at the Lanes being cancelled. What is a lady to do with snow on the way and a free night? My usual clown is apparently either ignoring me or taking the nap he was talking about earlier, of course I figure he is ignoring me and in the arms of another. My sickness runs deep, or so i tell myself. Embarking on a long journey of development in hopes of cutting out a lot of what makes me sad, even more. Hoping that the targeted cuts of this round will eventually feel natural and become part of who I am just like the last.

didn't sleep...

The boys left for warped tour at midnight...I was trying to sleep, couldn't...I wrote this a couple months ago, it's for a souls book...enjoy.

I can’t remember how many times I have heard a fan say or read on a message board  “man, the Bouncing Souls changed my life”.  I smile every time with a deep understanding that what they say is true because the Bouncing Souls changed my life. We wandered into each others lives while I was working at Epitaph and living in Los Angeles.  I was not familiar with the band prior to their signing to Epitaph but how very quickly I became not only a fan of their band but a person they called friend, promotional champion, publicist, and camp manager; it was through this they became people I am proud to call family. I have been with them through hard choices and changes in the band, countless shows, amazing parties few of us remember, and many miles traveled on the road.  They have been by my side through the darkest of days and the most joyous of celebrations...they not only changed my life, but saved it. 

I found myself living in England, at the end of my rope, drug addicted, broke, and waking up everyday wishing I hadn’t. This was the darkest of days, I was living with friends who love me but didn’t know how to help.  The Souls and my friend-comrade-heterosexual lifemate, K8 were coming over to play some shows in England.  I was very excited about this and hoped that seeing some family would give the the courage to make the hard choices that were looming. I was really at the crossroads of drug addiction where there are two choices, die or get clean and sober.  The few short days I spent with my friends reminded me that I was loved and needed to live to fight another day.  They never judged me, they never said I was bad or wrong, they were just there playing their songs that reminded me to live.  I bid them adeu at the airport and with tears in my eyes took my smelly, hungover, broken ass back to America.  

It is four years later and not only are they still my family but I moved to Asbury Park to be near them, some closer than others.  I am proud and blessed to call Little Eden my home, everyday I am surrounded by people who loved me at my worst and still love me at my worst! ha!  Kate let me move in about a year ago after I had a problem with the crackhead hooker who lived down the hall from me at my first apartment in Asbury. We don’t “party” as much as we use to but we still have the best time ever.  Bryan, and Pete both live near by and I see them almost daily.  K8 is the love of my life and how I wish sometimes that we were lesbians so we could get married and not have to deal with dumb boys!  Little Eden is my home, I love everything about it.  The recording studio is right below my room and while it is kinda loud and sometimes a pain in the ass to vacate while drums are being tracked (right now as I write this I am at mongolian barbeque to escape the tracking of drums!) I don’t mind.  I live in a house of love that called to me.  The first time I ever slept at Little Eden was on a tour stop, we were only in Asbury for the night and it was my first time to New Jersey.  We arrived late and left early, but the time we did spend there changed my life.  I went to sleep in one of the many rooms at Little Eden after a night of drinking, smoking, and general menacing.  As I was falling off to sleep I felt a warm calming feeling in my chest, it almost scared me how relaxed i felt.  I could hear the horn of the train as it passed by and I knew the ocean was a few short blocks away, I drifted off to sleep and enjoyed one of the best nights of sleeping I can ever remember.  The next morning I thanked Kate for her hospitality and shared with her the strange feelings of warmness and relaxation I had experienced as I fell asleep the night before, she just looked at me with an understanding glance and said “that was love”.  I realized that she “got” me at that moment, true love was something that had eluded me no mater how diligently I sought it but I didn’t even recognize it when I had experienced it, what a mess I was.  What did I do to deserve such love and acceptance, as a self loather it is sometimes difficult to accept but it is true.  Through my work with the Bouncing Souls I found love, acceptance, understanding, kindred spirits, support, the best times ever, and the people I am so very proud and so very honored to call family.  Strength and Honor. 

KETTLEBELLS!!!

I have been training with Kettlebells for the past week...holy crap!  I can already see changes in my body and feel changes in my strength!  I had trouble walking after the first couple classes and today my legs are a little tight again.  I love feeling the pain in muscles I didn't even know I had!  It is important to me especially right now to feel strong physically, it reminds me that I am strong mentally and in my resolve.  

p.s. the damn twilight books are killing me!!! Thanks Jana! 

when it rains, it pours

I have been having a hard time of things the past week or so...things were starting to look up...I got a phone call this morning from my step-mother informing me that my Dad's mother passed away last night.  Grandma Hamilton (she remarried and changed her name from White) was a guarded woman, she was not the squishiest of people, let alone grandmothers!  She had been suffering for years and while I am very thankful she is at peace now I will miss her dearly.  

sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing...

  Yucka to all the tears, all the heartbreak, all the questions, and all the time I have wasted.   Yucka to all the nights I didn't sleep because I was asking the impossible of myself!   Yucka to allowing myself to believe I'm not good enough!  Yucka to my belief that there is something wrong with me! I have worked too hard to get healthy and find happiness in my life to settle now.  Yucka because I do love him, and he does love me but he isn't the one.  Yucka to me for throwing the truth back in his face over and over again...yucka. noey. this sucks. 

ewie yucka!

The sunshine came today.  I laid in my bed wondering why it was so very warm under my covers.  It was my sleep in day so I did not realize that the world outside was warm and sunny until I was on my way to work...the sunshine also brought with it visitors to my beloved Asbury Park.  I love that people want to come to Asbury, I love it here so it makes sense that others would love it too...however I would like to send a message to these visitors; Some of us choose to live here year round and year round we respect each other, we follow the very simple rules of the road that actually don't differ much than the rules of the road where you come from.  Oddly enough a blinking yellow stop light means proceed with caution in Asbury Park, where you come from it seems to mean stop at the light and think about if you want to turn left for 30 seconds and then decide against it.  We also have these strange two wheeled and no wheeled travelers around our small beach community, we call them Ped-es-tree-ions and we actually don't try to run them over or cut them off by turning right in the bike lane...I know they are annoying but come and visit in the winter, there are far fewer to annoy you.  Here in Asbury Park we park on an angle when the white lines are perpendicular at a slight angle, it seems that where you are from you park parallel to the curb crossing over the performentioned white lines.  I understand that there are cultural differences between Staten Island and the Jersey Shore but please work with us we want you to enjoy yourselves.  Where you come from i'm sure it is the norm to order a 40 dollar lunch and not leave a tip and thats ok, however here at the Shore when someone takes your order, prepares the food, brings it to you with a smile, and then cleans up after you and your so cute but very messy children we usually leave a small gratuity, crazy, I know!!  Again, we love that you want to come and visit and at the very least please try to use these simple words to make your summer and ours most enjoyable, PLEASE and THANK YOU, you will be amazed at how we respond to these few simple words, if you have trouble pronouncing them we will be more than willing to teach you.   Thank you for your time, and please enjoy your time here in Asbury!  xoxoxo