Making choices. Choosing to live my life for me. What the fuck, why is this so hard? Dropping all my excuses and being powerful for me, not for someone else. Behaving as if I am not worthy of the success I found, or even worse settling for less is something I have done a lot in my life. Putting others happiness before my own is a lot easier than taking responsibility for my own happiness, I know this now but knowing doesn’t make it any easier, just fucking harder.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Twenty minutes till I can close down coffee world and make my way home. The impending snow storm has me anxious. This mixes with my sudden availability on a Friday night due to the show at the Lanes being cancelled. What is a lady to do with snow on the way and a free night? My usual clown is apparently either ignoring me or taking the nap he was talking about earlier, of course I figure he is ignoring me and in the arms of another. My sickness runs deep, or so i tell myself. Embarking on a long journey of development in hopes of cutting out a lot of what makes me sad, even more. Hoping that the targeted cuts of this round will eventually feel natural and become part of who I am just like the last.